Wednesday, June 21, 2006



Just click your heels together three times...

Are You Really What You Wear?

I suppose we all have a costume that we wear in one way or another... We all play a role. In a neat and tidy world. Dorothy had her role woth Toto in a beautiful blue ginham dress, Charlie Chaplan was approachable in the oversized pants and bowler hat. June Cleaver in the fities style dress and high heeled shoes.

We all have a costume or uniform that states what 'we do'...

The butcher wears his white robes laced with pieces of meat stuck on the front, the crossing guard with the giant orange vest and stop sign, the policeman that has to taken to wearing baseball cap so that he would be more approachable, and a doctor who wear the big white lab coats for goodness knows what reason... probably the same as the butchers.. .

My costume of life is that of jeans, running shoes, Doc Martans, t-shirt, sweater, hair tied back, no make up and sunglasses. I have my daughter on my right side singing at the top of her lungs and I have my black, small, approachable black dog who is wearing all his dog tags that say that he is owned and is not the carrier of rabies. Basically in my mind's eye I am like a Mrs. Cleaver minus the green apron and the perky disposition.

My daughter seems to replicate my uniform, except that she likes her hair down, and she will wear lipgloss on occasion. Part of her ensemble is a knapsack that is larger than her upper torso which gives her the appearance of a purple hunchback going to school.

My husband's uniform is that of black jeans, or blue jeans, an undershirt and dress shirt, he carries a black nylon swiss army briefcase that holds his lunch and reading materials.
In his dress shirt pocket he carries his Nano that have white, dangling, earplugs and he wears dark Ray Ban sunglasses. The ensemble makes him look like a secret service agent...

My daughter purchased a pair of shoes for me this past Christmas... They were patent leather, three inches high, and scarlet red... She was so happy giving them to me... I just looked at them in disbelief.. I looked at the box, looked at the shoes, looked at my daughter who's face was full of anticipation and looked beseachingly over at my husband who just said...'She saw them, and HAD to get them for you!'

My daughter then shrieked...'You can wear them, when you come to pick me up from school!'

Oh yeah. What costume are we talking here... Albeit I have the black dog...

Well, the shoes stayed in their box. And my daughter would continually ask 'when are you going to wear my present???'

The day arrived when I was going to attend a big party at a new, fancy, hip, club/hotel. I was to meet my husband at the club and from there we were going to rendez-vous with the larger group of people... A grown up party!

I decided that my Christmas shoes would work for this occasion.

So I dusted them off... Searched the closet for an costume that would compliment the shoes.
I chose... a black Ellen Tracy tuxedo blouse, a red, Georgio Armani skirt, fishnet stockings and my new red shoes.
I seem to put myself into a whole new aura with just a change of clothing. A groovy girl. A gal who is hot. A gal who is going to meet her man. I was a funky, hip, young, chick! The outfit screamed no responsibilty...Look out!

My daughter squealed with delight when she saw that her Christmas shoes were on my feet and I was taking flight.

With all the encouragement from my cheerleader daughter I left with my house with my head held high and my high heel shoes clicking with great purpose on the sidewalk. I was out of my Doc Martans, I was out of my jeans, I was feeling cool and I was heading to the new and cool club/hotel in a grown up costume without the props of dog or daughter.

My husband is always late. Always. There is always an excuse but he would be late for just about anything... He always saunters in with a smile, unplugs himself from the sanctum of the nano and joins in with an apologetic smile.

This was the grand opening of the hotel and I should have known this would not be any different than any other time meeting him.

He was late. Very late.

I was just waiting in the lobby, pacing in my red high heel shoes, with fishnet stockings aimlessly looking around. I had no idea where I was to go so I was left in the lobby to pace. I was just pacing in my mini shirt. I was just pacing in my fishnet stockings. I was just pacing in my three inch high red shoes. I was looking at the ceiling, watching the people enter on the red carpet and then it happens....

'Excuse me Maaaaaam... But... we have a.... no loitering policy at the hotel.'

No Loitering???
No Loitering???

I look at this young whippersnapper in his hot black pants, his crisp black shirt, surfer blonde hair, his gold bracelet, his gold earing and his Maui tattoo ...

Ohhhh Myyyyy Gaaaawwwddddd....

The Dolce&Gabbana consierge/the bouncer/the young/goodlooking/suave/hipster/thought I, ME,
Maam,
Mrs. Doc Martan,
Mrs. Sensible,
Mrs.
MOMMA,
Mrs June Cleaver with attitude,
was a HOOKER!!!!!!!!!!!

Amazing, what I appear to others, when I am without my props!

Maybe next year, for Christmas, I may get the green apron! or the blue, gingham, dress....

22 comments:

crazymumma said...

ok you nasty ho....was that not the night that your sweet young thing slept at our house and you arrived to pick her up, wearing your wine smile, smudgy mascara, and dare I say.....still a wee bit tipsy from the night before?

Or....do you go to so many hip openings you have lost track?

Love ya, Anne

I think so, gotcha!

mothergoosemouse said...

I'm giggling because I once had a NYPD officer come THISCLOSE to accusing me of being a hooker. I had been waiting outside my office building for a good 45 minutes, waiting for my husband to pick me up in the rental car to go to Newark airport. Maybe it was the knee-length black boots that gave him that impression...

My mother gave my older daughter a pair of red sequinned high heels. She used to clomp around our old apartment in them. Thankfully our downstairs neighbor was nearly deaf.

Catch said...

This was such a funny story!!! I am still giggleing. How nice that you wore the shoes for your daughter....and now you will always have this funny story to tell about when you wore them...lol..this is too cute!

kristi said...

Oh that had to be too mortifying at the moment but now has to be one of the most hilarious things to remember. At least you looked good enough to be mistaken for a hooker.
I had a silver pair of nine west heels that I was going to wear to a wedding and everyone kept teasing me telling me that they looked like F*@k me pumps. I decided that my 3 inch nine wests were not the best idea for the wedding and settled for something a little lower.

Your story is going to stick with me for a while I am still laughing

chelle said...

hehehe note to self: when I finally dress up and go out on the town, do not wear red shoes!!

hehehe! What a perfect date! How is it that our husbands are always so late?!?!

Mrs. Chicky said...

You're a lot braver than I would have been in that situation. I never would have gotten up the nerve to wear the shoes at all.

And I would have missed out on a good story.

Jodi said...

That is an AWESOME story. :) I have NEVER been accused of being a hooker, but then again, I don't have any red high heeled Dorothy shoes either. :) what did you say to the bouncer guy??? And did you give hubby hell for being so darn late??

Mommy off the Record said...

LMAO. That is too funny! Maybe it was the fishnet stockings that did it...but a girl's gotta get a little crazy once in a while, right?

kim said...

that was so funny .. im sure you looked hot and not at all hookerish ... id make hubby pay for being late :)

Kristin said...

i cannot laugh because i too have been mistaken for a hooker... it was the vinyl skirt, but that was a long time ago. ;-)

my uniform consists of long jersey drawstring skirts (i have like 5 from j.crew) tank tops and flip flops... no makeup because i hide behind my huge-ass sunglasses.

Kevin Charnas said...

holy shit...i didn't see that coming.
what did you do or say?
was your mouth on the ground?
when your husband finally arrived, did you wipe HIS mouth on the ground???
damn...although I do have a very broad smile on my face right now...sorry. :)

Pendullum said...

ac...
So many of these stories...

Mothergoosmouse... you probably looked quite hot in the knee length black boots!!!

Catch... Yeah, I coudn't not wear them...And it is always a story... as life is...

Kristi... such a sensible gal to not wear the 3 inch F*@k shoes to the wedding...(Don't want the relatives talking) My question is when have you worn your silver nine west heels??? Do tell...

Chelle... Yeah.. HE showed up about 15 minutes late with an entourage... so, he was saved by the group... so to speak...

Mrs. Chicky... do not think bravery had anything to do with it... If you saw the look my daughter had... you too, would have mustered the will to wear the shoes...Hehehe LAter on in life... I can see it now... Grandchildren gathered round... Hey kids, wanna hear the story how I was mistaken for a hooker??? I'm just laughing at the prospects...

Jodi... I couldn't say anything to the bouncer guy... It was all in the waaaaaayyyy he looked me up and down and said 'No Loitering'

Mommy off the record... It's amazing how 'fishnet stockings' can 'dress up' a gal... Can u imagine Dorothy in Fishnets?

Kim... Thanks honey...

Kristin... Nothing like a good vintage vinyl...
The huge ass sunglasses have become essential...I, too, have traded in my boots for flip flops as it is finally warm...

Kevin charnas... it was like a train wreck... you see it happening but there is nothing you can do... the only prop I think I was missing in the play was a whip as far as the bouncer was concerned... Next time I will bring a book as a prop... because if one is found reading in a funky club... they are obviously NOT of the sex trade element..

Kristi said...

Sweet! No one EVER mistakes me for a hooker. I need to put that on my 'to do' list. Current uniform: shorts off the floor, t shirt, flip flops and underthings/bathing suit underneath. And a big ol' tube of sunscreen.

pinknest said...

i love this story! and i love the fact that your daughter got you these shoes! i wish you took a photo of them. but how PASSE for this hotel dude to equate red heels and fishnet stockings with HOOKER!! lol!!

ps i would never be able to pace in 3 inch heels.

IzzyMom said...

ROFL...that story is priceless. And the shoes sound kind of cool. You should post a picture of them.

Nikki said...

I'm sorry, I'm laughing. It must have been terribly embarrasing - but I'm still laughing. LOL

Wendy said...

That just totally cracked me up! Now you have something to add to your resume.

sunshine scribe said...

Okay, I am SO glad you introduced me to your blog today because that story was hysterical - the best thing I've read all week! That is some damn good story telling and I am clapping for your bravery for wearing the shoes at all! It takes a courageous woman to carry off a "hooker" look. :)

MommyWithAttitude said...

Oh that's so funny! Here's what's worse, one morning after partying and spending the night at a friend's house downtown, I was (hungover) taking the bus home (carrying a backpack) and someone mistook me for a homeless person.

Evidently I REEEEEEEALY don't look good with a hangover!

Pendullum said...

Sunscribe...
Only too kind... sayiong I was courageuous...
Mommywithattitude
I earned 20 bucks once... Just waiting for my husband in front of his office...
Apparently... I was a homeless woman with her baby in the stroller... How pathetic is that???

Panda said...

Bwahahahahaha! You're daughter gave you hooker shoes!

FFF said...

your red shoes sound fabulous!