During Robert's performance, some of my friends started on with a dialogue.
Who does he think he is? Dylan?
That has to be the worst Dylan impersonator I have ever heard.
I know Dylan and that is NOT Dylan....
Pendullum, you can not be serious? You think? THAT? THAT guy, up there, is Dylan?
As my friends talked and argued about how the man before them, could not be his Holy Folkness, and each revelling in the better insult, I ignored them. Bullying through dialogue does not make a moment any less so...
Robert played on,I sat mesmerized drinking in this truly unique moment. A moment of hearing a person who was at first Robert to me, a nice guy at a bar, who approached me at a bar, who happened to read some of the same books as me, and had some of the same thoughts and interesting antedotes, and as he sang, in this intimate bar, he strangely became distant. He became a rock and roll icon. He was playing for such a select group of people and yet he started to soar, he transformed, as he played the harmonica to where he became unapproachable in my mind's eye. But maybe he became unapproachable as to where he brought me.
I drank in the moment.
And I had seized the moment and just listened to him instead of them.... I heard the voice in my heart and in my head. And I was at peace in my thoughts, his voice brought me on adventures to New York, to peace ralleys, his voice brought me to Paris and and his voice brought me to Larry Durrell and thoughts of enlightenment and faith in a moment.
Dear Blogger reader, and great friends out in cyberspace, I have told you about my dearest Ingrid, a few months ago, and how she came to me with her diagnosis of Stage Four Cancer.
I have told you how scared she was.
I told you, how sad I was. I have told you of my tears. I have told you of my broken heart.
And all of you were so very very kind to me. You poured out heartfelt condolences, you poured out support and you poured out faith, to me, and in me, to be of help to my ailing friend. You tried to support and lift me up, so I could help my friend. You all were being such angels out there in the world. Faceless angels, with gentle whispers, of encouragement and prayers sent through the air.
And I would be wrong to say that I had faith in my heart. On particulary tough days with myself, I would go back to your comments from months ago. And through my tears, they, those kind comments, of love and support, would strangely, help me along the way, bring me comfort and give me glimmers of hope, for the future. But it could be a future that may be without Ingrid.
I would be wrong to say that I was like the woman who first met Dylan, who had faith in the course.
I would be wrong to say that I did not question, everything, and the universe, when I heard of what the diagnosis was.
I could only hear 'Stage Four.' I could only hear how it was in her bones and travelling up her spine. I would look at my girlfriend, travel back in time through ole pictures and letters, moments shared, looking for strength and faith in the outcome The past was definite, the past was concrete. But I could not give my heart hope for a future to be shared with her. And I could not really live through another cancer moment.
I have been jaded.
I have been scarred.
And the past was comforting to me, as the future seemed so bleak.
And I have lost so many good friends to cancer. I have lost so much that I did not think my heart could take another. I hardened my heart of the possibility of losing her. Losing her before the loss, before she, my dear Ingrid, really took to the stage.
I had lost faith in the battle.
I had lost a faith in the unbelievable. And this is a truly horrible thing to lose.
But today; today, could be the day, when faith could be restored.
I went with my dearest Ingrid, for her last radiation treatment. Her cancer is in remission. I have been told of the STAT of the cancer having a 40 percent chance of returning, but for the time, I will relish in that 60 per cent that says it will not. I will take the 60 per cent. It has been a real leap of faith.
My heart has been given a moment.
My soul has been given the unimaginable.
My girlfriend is now on the stage. I had just been too blind with my own pain to see her shining up there.
And I am truly drinking the moment in.
I have been given the gift of Ingrid. I have been given the gift of having my friend for more memories together, more secrets of the soul, more giggles, more hugs and more love of the past, while embracing the future.
We have time.
And I have a restored faith and validation for her being with me for a little while longer.
And maybe, this course, this time, has restored a bit of my faith. Maybe it has been given to me as a gift through the universe. As really how else can I look at it? It is such a gift that has been granted, to me, to her family, to her friends, to her children and to all who are blessed to know her. But most importantly, it is a gift to my dearest Ingrid, a gift, so utterly deserved. And she is, and has seized the day, the moment and her life back. Does not matter what the stage looks like and how big the crowd.
And may I add? The day after Robert played, on the front page of every newspaper in my city the headlines read 'Bob Dylan Plays for 50 people... Once in a Lifetime Concert...' And even though I had already 'known' it was Dylan, the validation was certainly great to read.
But it does have me thinking of back then to now...
And as I listen to my new Dylan CD while writing this,maybe I should pull out my ole copy of the Razor's Edge. And revisit, my adventure with Larry Durrell. It would be interesting to see him again after twenty years.
Maybe sometimes we need to go back before we can move forward.
Maybe sometimes we need blind faith in times when answers are not forthcoming.
Maybe sometimes we need validation for all the ne'er sayers .
Maybe sometimes we must take the leap into the abyss of uncertainty when there is truly no drop net to catch us when we fall.
But I know in my heart, what I will always need; maybe what we all need; is a bit of love, to see us through.
And through love, it gives us the validation of our hopes and fears, through its fierce, passionate, faithful, embrace, so that we may continue to see true stars, in ourselves and of each other .