Tuesday, May 15, 2007





During Robert's performance, some of my friends started on with a dialogue.

Who does he think he is? Dylan?

That has to be the worst Dylan impersonator I have ever heard.

I know Dylan and that is NOT Dylan....

Pendullum, you can not be serious? You think? THAT? THAT guy, up there, is Dylan?

As my friends talked and argued about how the man before them, could not be his Holy Folkness, and each revelling in the better insult, I ignored them. Bullying through dialogue does not make a moment any less so...

Robert played on,I sat mesmerized drinking in this truly unique moment. A moment of hearing a person who was at first Robert to me, a nice guy at a bar, who approached me at a bar, who happened to read some of the same books as me, and had some of the same thoughts and interesting antedotes, and as he sang, in this intimate bar, he strangely became distant. He became a rock and roll icon. He was playing for such a select group of people and yet he started to soar, he transformed, as he played the harmonica to where he became unapproachable in my mind's eye. But maybe he became unapproachable as to where he brought me.

I drank in the moment.

And I had seized the moment and just listened to him instead of them.... I heard the voice in my heart and in my head. And I was at peace in my thoughts, his voice brought me on adventures to New York, to peace ralleys, his voice brought me to Paris and and his voice brought me to Larry Durrell and thoughts of enlightenment and faith in a moment.

Dear Blogger reader, and great friends out in cyberspace, I have told you about my dearest Ingrid, a few months ago, and how she came to me with her diagnosis of Stage Four Cancer.

I have told you how scared she was.

I told you, how sad I was. I have told you of my tears. I have told you of my broken heart.

And all of you were so very very kind to me. You poured out heartfelt condolences, you poured out support and you poured out faith, to me, and in me, to be of help to my ailing friend. You tried to support and lift me up, so I could help my friend. You all were being such angels out there in the world. Faceless angels, with gentle whispers, of encouragement and prayers sent through the air.

And I would be wrong to say that I had faith in my heart. On particulary tough days with myself, I would go back to your comments from months ago. And through my tears, they, those kind comments, of love and support, would strangely, help me along the way, bring me comfort and give me glimmers of hope, for the future. But it could be a future that may be without Ingrid.

I would be wrong to say that I was like the woman who first met Dylan, who had faith in the course.

I would be wrong to say that I did not question, everything, and the universe, when I heard of what the diagnosis was.

I could only hear 'Stage Four.' I could only hear how it was in her bones and travelling up her spine. I would look at my girlfriend, travel back in time through ole pictures and letters, moments shared, looking for strength and faith in the outcome The past was definite, the past was concrete. But I could not give my heart hope for a future to be shared with her. And I could not really live through another cancer moment.

I have been jaded.

I have been scarred.

And the past was comforting to me, as the future seemed so bleak.

And I have lost so many good friends to cancer. I have lost so much that I did not think my heart could take another. I hardened my heart of the possibility of losing her. Losing her before the loss, before she, my dear Ingrid, really took to the stage.

I had lost faith in the battle.

I had lost a faith in the unbelievable. And this is a truly horrible thing to lose.

But today; today, could be the day, when faith could be restored.

I went with my dearest Ingrid, for her last radiation treatment. Her cancer is in remission. I have been told of the STAT of the cancer having a 40 percent chance of returning, but for the time, I will relish in that 60 per cent that says it will not. I will take the 60 per cent. It has been a real leap of faith.

My heart has been given a moment.

My soul has been given the unimaginable.

My girlfriend is now on the stage. I had just been too blind with my own pain to see her shining up there.

And I am truly drinking the moment in.

I have been given the gift of Ingrid. I have been given the gift of having my friend for more memories together, more secrets of the soul, more giggles, more hugs and more love of the past, while embracing the future.

We have time.

And I have a restored faith and validation for her being with me for a little while longer.

And maybe, this course, this time, has restored a bit of my faith. Maybe it has been given to me as a gift through the universe. As really how else can I look at it? It is such a gift that has been granted, to me, to her family, to her friends, to her children and to all who are blessed to know her. But most importantly, it is a gift to my dearest Ingrid, a gift, so utterly deserved. And she is, and has seized the day, the moment and her life back. Does not matter what the stage looks like and how big the crowd.

And may I add? The day after Robert played, on the front page of every newspaper in my city the headlines read 'Bob Dylan Plays for 50 people... Once in a Lifetime Concert...' And even though I had already 'known' it was Dylan, the validation was certainly great to read.

But it does have me thinking of back then to now...

And as I listen to my new Dylan CD while writing this,maybe I should pull out my ole copy of the Razor's Edge. And revisit, my adventure with Larry Durrell. It would be interesting to see him again after twenty years.

Maybe sometimes we need to go back before we can move forward.

Maybe sometimes we need blind faith in times when answers are not forthcoming.

Maybe sometimes we need validation for all the ne'er sayers .

Maybe sometimes we must take the leap into the abyss of uncertainty when there is truly no drop net to catch us when we fall.

But I know in my heart, what I will always need; maybe what we all need; is a bit of love, to see us through.

And through love, it gives us the validation of our hopes and fears, through its fierce, passionate, faithful, embrace, so that we may continue to see true stars, in ourselves and of each other .

68 comments:

Andrea said...

Oh awesome! *doing happy dance*

Sometimes we need that soul drink that comes from things going the way in which we most fiercely hope.

Yay for Ingrid! Yay for remission! Yay for 60% chance of it not returning!

Andrea

Mrs. Chicky said...

That's wonderful!! I'm so happy for Ingrid and for you. Enjoy every day you have with each other.

And that Dylan story? Coool.

Christina_the_wench said...

I know you're not a religious person, but I'm gonna praise God anyways for giving you and your friend more time. Please enjoy it and cherish it as I know you will. *hugs*

Lawyer Mama said...

WONDERFUL! I'm so happy for you and for her and for her family and every person who gets more time with her. Enjoy every day.

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

I love that.
I love that you have your friend for more memories..
I love that you see what you have.
I love that you shared it with us all.

I send you love today and always.

Gina said...

That is such very wonderful news! I am so happy for her and you and all her friends and family.

Mary-LUE said...

So amazing! So. So. So. Amazing! I've thought of your friend and wondered how she was doing. How you were doing. What a blessing.

(And the Dylan thing? What a thrill of a lifetime.)

Gingers Mom said...

I am so happy for you and for Ingrid and for her children. God bless them! I pray He gives her a long and happy life free of illness. YEAH!!

Kevin Charnas said...

And maybe you're absolutely right.

I am THRILLED to read this news of Ingrid!!!

And I needed to read something to help restore some of my own faith.
So, thank you...

And you know what??? I think that I did Dylan once. Or maybe it was Captain Kangaroo? Or maybe it was those mushrooms I ate...

Ruth Dynamite said...

Wahooooo! So incredibly fantastic!

chichimama said...

I am so glad.

Oh, The Joys said...

Pend,
I'm so glad to hear about Ingrid and the 60 percent. We will focus all the light on the 60%.
Best,
OTJ

Mel said...

Oh, Pendullum, I'm so glad. So glad.
(((You)))
(((Ingrid)))

urban-urchin said...

Thank God!!! That's wonderful, wonderful news.

Grim Reality Girl said...

Pend,

Thank you. Thank you for teaching me that there is hope. 60% is not so bad. 60% is more than a pipe dream. Thank you.

My personal experience makes me jaded. I too, am not allowed to hope. I pray, but I don't hope. Thank you for reminding me that HOPE is there even when I do not see it. I have prayed for Ingrid and will continue.

Thank you for giving me fuel for the lamp of hope against cancer. Thank you for good news. Prayers continue for Ingrid. 60% can be a GREAT number!

kim said...

Now THAT is awesome Penn *huge hugs* what a wonderful thing to have...a smidgen of wonder, just a little hope and a bit of faith and some more time to share it

Lady M said...

Pendullum, that's such wonderful news! The post about Ingrid was one of the first of yours that I read, and it's so good to hear a positive sequel.

BeachMama said...

What wonderful news of your friend Ingrid. May you guys share lots more memories together. And who knows maybe Robert is out there reading your post and will play another private show and you will get a chance to see him again.

Eryl Shields said...

60% is so much bigger than 40% a happy, hopeful 50% bigger in fact.

Thanks, Pen, for publishing such hope...

Kim Ayres said...

I'm really pleased for Ingrid, and I'm glad that you have a moment where you can escape the darker thoughts

Kanani said...

Brilliant. Truly lovely. I drank it in.

Open Grove Claudia said...

What a lovely post!

I think it's very, very hard to hold that open and loving heart. My goal this year was to try to stay in the "beginner's mind". Yet I find my crusty old heart unable to embrace things with the open excitement of a beginner.

You inspire!

Kristin said...

Wonderful news... Pendullum, heal thyself!

allrileyedup said...

Beautiful post. That's great news for your friend. And you too. Bob would be thrilled for you, I'm sure.

Amber said...

Simply beautiful and what miraculous news. And inspiring to give my kids an extra hug tonight because you never know what tomorrow will bring....

jen said...

it's this, right:

we can never, never give up hope. we can never assume it's over, that the well is empty.

because little (and big) miracles happen everywhere. because we believe. because sometimes we desperately need something to hold on to.

wonderful, for you both. xo

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I am glad to hear about your friend!

Ooooo Bob Dylan. Lives on....

Mama Drama Jenny said...

I'm sitting here in my office crying with happiness.

I needed a happy ending today.

Thank you.

Flutterby said...

What a wonderful post! 60% is good! And Bob Dylan was just icing on the cake.

Jess Riley said...

What a beautiful, hopeful post! This one really got to me--I am so, so happy that your friend Ingrid is in remission! Here's to many more years, many more adventures, many more laughs.

Nicole said...

That is fantastic news, for Ingrid and for you!!!!

The Dylan story just blows me away....

slouching mom said...

My girlfriend is now on the stage. I had just been too blind with my own pain to see her shining up there.

Lovely. Just so moving, pendullum. I am so glad she's in remission.

DebbieDoesLife said...

That is wonderful news and yes, take it to heart AND faith! Revel in the time and enjoy Ingrid!

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog today. I am seriously considering restarting it. I am ready again to blog.

crazymumma said...

This is amazing news. I read about a mom in the hood a couple of weeks who passed away and I thought it was her....

but I am happy to here it was not, though I am still very sad for the other family who's mummy did pass on.

Rhonda said...

What incredible news, and told in such a beautiful, loving way.

Tears of joy for you.

Scribbit said...

Funny, I hit the play button and started reading, scrolling down so I couldn't see the video. As it's playing and I'm reading I'm thinking "That doesn't sound at all like Dylan, I'm going to have to side with her friends on this one, it sounds like a fabulous Jagger imitation but definitely not Dylan."

D'uh.

Then I finished your beautiful story and saw my mistake. I'm a genius.

carrie said...

And I find myself singing "All you need is love . . . ".

I was recently at a suprise party for my friend's step-mom (celebrating her 60th b-day after being in remission for 2 years from breast cancer), and her best friend in the world was there - all the way from Camloops, Canada. They'd been friends for over 50 years and she presented her friend with a scrapbook of their friendship, from the beginning to the times during treatment when she'd lost her hair. It was the most beautiful gift I have ever seen.

Somehow, you and Ingrid remind me of those two remarkable women. That will be you, at a 60th birthday party someday.

So very happy to hear this news.

Carrie

chelle said...

Your posts always take my breath away! I am so glad you found comfort in the comments left for you and your friend's journey...How exciting that you both get a second chance at life!! May your faith be renewed!

Slackermommy said...

I so needed to read this today. Thank you.

Momish said...

What wonderful news! 60 is waaaay bigger than 40! I am glad to hear your optimism and faith have been restored! I am so happy for you both.

Rock the Cradle said...

So wonderful! I'm so relieved for you both.

Regardless of what happens, embracing these moments of joy is one way we can transcend the ghosts of the past and our worries of the future.

I don't know why, but Igrid's story made me think of this Buddhist story my husband told me at one point...this is the closest I could find online to the tale he told me:

A man travelling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above.

Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him. Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine.

The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. How sweet it tasted!

End of tale.

Sorry for the long comment...I'll shut up now.

Sayre said...

I am so happy to hear of Ingrid's remission!

I have had the terrible fortune to know many "terminal" friends. So far, I have lost only a few of them. And it was years and years ago, before research had pulled a lifetime out of a dire diagnosis.

Perhaps this is the way - to make people more grateful for the lives they have, to make them actually live them when otherwise they would spend their days on a merry-go-round of monotony.

I try to take lessons from them and live each day as fully as possible. Because when it's my turn, I don't want to have regretted wasting my life.

ablondeblogger said...

I'm so happy to hear Ingrid's cancer is in remission! I hope you two have many more years together to create more precious memories.

ablondeblogger said...

I'm so happy to hear Ingrid's cancer is in remission! I hope you two have many more years together to create more precious memories.

wayabetty said...

I'm so thrilled for Ingrid and you! There is an angel watching over her and you! May the angel be there with both of you always!

Jodi said...

Thank you for updating us on Ingrid. I have been wondering how she was doing! I am so happy that you have some more time with her. Relish it. And praise what ever power feels appropriate. :)

Pattie said...

I am so happy to hear that your dear friend is in remission. What a blessing.

Lisa said...

Am so happy and excited and thankful to hear of this good news for you and Ingrid.

This news gave me goosebumps. And it gives me hope as I've got a friend with widespead cancer.

SUEB0B said...

Thanks for that reminder.

Crunchy Carpets said...

That is beautiful...I am so glad for your friend.....and you.

G said...

seeing with love truly gives us the best sight!

beautifully written - as usual!!

PunditMom said...

That is such good news. I'd say 60% is pretty good!

Michelle said...

That is wonderful to hear your friend is in remission!!

Bon said...

my gentle Jesus. i'd missed the Dylan disclosure below, and will have wet dreams about it now until i am old...but what a beautiful way to twist the story and bring it around to hope and the gift of luck.

yay Ingrid.

Jocelyn said...

My body was covered with goosebumps as I read your gorgeous prose (structurally killer good, too) and read of Ingrid's prognosis.

I don't know how to type up this thought correctly, but reading your writing, honestly, gives me a step forward in faith--that you are able to share your gifts with the world thusly, thanks to this weird technolgy thing called "blogging"...well it makes me think this development in the world has taken place for a reason.

So writers like you can be read.

Catch said...

Oh Pen I am so happy to hear your friends cancer is in remission! Pen, there is always reason to hope and pray and be thankful for more time with your dear friend. It is truly a blessing that her cancer is in remission. We have all lost loved ones to cancer...it hurts, but we have to keep on loving and trusting..how wonderful for her children!!! I am very happy for you and Ingrid and her family. God bless all of you!

Interstellar said...

How wonderful that Ingrid's cancer is now in remission!

I find myself appreciating moments more and more. That's always a good thing.

Amy W said...

Awesome news about Ingrid...

Mom Ma'am Me said...

So glad for you and for Ingrid. Wonderful news.

And you, my friend, are the most amazing storyteller EVER. Bar none. That Dylan story -- completely amazing.

Damselfly said...

I love your poetry. "And through love, it gives us the validation of our hopes and fears, through its fierce, passionate, faithful, embrace, so that we may continue to see true stars, in ourselves and of each other." I'm so glad for Ingrid and for you and your friendship.

JLee said...

That is such wonderful news, Pen!! Anything is possible with faith. It's so hard to BELIEVE sometimes, no matter what it is you're trying to hold onto, but magic can happen. :)

Queen of the Mayhem said...

What an amazing post! It is so easy to lose sight of our faith...when it is tested! Being the control freak that I am, I truly struggle with praying "For the strength to accept God's will...not the power to change it". I try to remind myself of this on a regular basis...but it is hard!

I am thrilled for your friend. I will pray that she stays in remission!

You seem like a lovely person....I truly enjoy your blog and comments....I am glad you got a bit of good news! :0

Beth said...

Wonderful news about your friend.
And you're so right - it is scary "out there" without a safety net but love is what we use - if we're lucky enough to have it.

Sean said...

That is such wonderful news. It's nice to know that the light in the sky is not always lightning.

Moobs

DebbieDoesLife said...

Just looking for a new post from you....

Catherine said...

What I'd give to be able to hug you... to tell you in person just how absolutely thrilled I am for the both of you. And to thank you so very much for sharing. Words can't describe how much I enjoyed reading this, Pend.

Attila The Mom said...

::sniff sniff::

Wonderfully hopeful news, Pen. Thanks so much for writing about it.

K said...

sometimes it's scary to have faith when you have so much to lose.

I am so happy for you and your friend.