Wednesday, May 30, 2007



BoyWonder loves music, or maybe he just loves to torment me? Seventeen years later I have still not been able to figure it out. If there is a good song playing BoyWonder can not restrain himself from drumming at the dinner table, on the stearing wheel, on the door, on a book, to the point where he can drive me into a tailspin with the tapping of Keith Moon, John Bonham and Ringo Starr. But the tapping is nothing compared to his singing. I try for peace when I am with him and I deal with one symptom at a time..

We from the very beginning of our relationship have had a 'no tapping' clause'. A quiet understanding between a couple. The tapping torment has evolved into a 'No tapping face', an expression of bugged out eyes and pierced lips and furrowed brows held by me, and over the years it has become more pronounced, with a sigh and a chin jutting out for good measure. And normally when the no tapping face is shown, the tapping subsides and I am given a few minutes to collect my thoughts.

But tapping seems to be part of my husband's life. I try not to play 'tapping music' over dinner, sometimes the tapping just starts because there is a song in his head, which leads his fingers to start and then full fledged tapping commences, along with fake cymbals and bass drum. My no tapping 'expression' will cause him to stop in 'midtap' or mid cymbal smash. But the energy that has not been expelled through his fingertips, needs to be unleashed elsewhere, so the creative juices then flow to his lips where he will whistle. But some of the notes he can reach can cause a dog to stand at attention and moan for mercy. The whistling will be halted with me sighing and barking a command of 'Pleeeaaaase!?'

This causes him to bounce his leg under the table which causes the ground all around to shake, the crystal the cabinet to vibrate and , the pictures on the mantle come dangerously close to the edge . I have to grab his knee from under the table to restrain it from escalating any further. And sometimes it stops the 'creative flow', and sometimes I have my much wanted and desired peace.

But then, there are other times...

There are times when he will try to refrain, but he will let out a sigh, and begin to eat. But as he eats, if the song is still raging in his head, he may begin to hum, he will hum a tune in which we all know. And then the humming turns into singing... And well, the singing... Ahh, the singing... This is a special wee nuttshell, which I have not cracked open for you.

The thing about BoyWonder's singing is... That he....., Well he, how do I put this?

He 'interprets' music and re writes lyrics to songs...

No song is sacred.

They can be innocent songs which can make Mr. Rogers, Sharon, Lois and Bram and even Raffi smile, but most songs, can go strangely a rye with his twisted, wicked, sense of humour. He can change a song through an accent, or by insinuation, or he can change it by lyrics.

With the accent and intonation of Mike Ditka, (the former coach of the Chicago Bears) he has changed the classic 'Winnie the Pooh' song into a song about 'Winnie da bear, all stuffed with fluff and caaahhhcahh.' He changed the song 'I love you a bushel and a peck' into a song about' Pee and Poo and how 'bout you???' sung in a stiff uppercrust British accent that bares an aweful resemblence to Prince Charles, Prince of Wales. His repetoire is endless.

My daughter loves musicals. Or maybe the love was forced onto her by me. She has seen them all. She at the tender age of three had seen Singing in the Rain about half a dozen times, she has watched every Danny Kaye film, Damn Yankees, Oliver, Gigi, My Fair Lady, Guys and Dolls, American in Paris, West Side Story, Seussical the Musical, she has seen them all.

She can be seen immitating Gene Kelly in Singing in the Rain. She will do the footsteps, the hops, the twirls. She can do Danny Kaye's the Vessel in the Pestle, with the exagerated eyebrows and kookie facial expressions.

In Grade Two, her movie of choice, was Fiddler on the Roof. She would walk around my neighbourhood, hunched over like an eighty year old woman with extreme rhuematism walking with a cane/umbrella and using hand gestures she would sing 'Annetevka,'using a thick Yiddish accent.

My daughter when she 'performmes', she does it for herself; not for show; not for an audience, just as her father with his musical prowess is the same... They do it for themselves.They do it for their own amusement. They can not help themselves...

And I am destined to go insane...

But Fiddler on the Roof was my daughter's absolute favourite musical at the time and not beyond Boy Wonder's scope of 'interpretation'. And there were many songs reworked by BoyWonder. But none as much as the 'classic' that is now a legend.

We have a wonderful dog. He is a constant in our lives. He refuses to be away from our family dynamic. Whatever room we are in, our dog is in, a faithful companion to the end.
Our dog is not bashful. Our dog knows no restraint. Our dog has a 'hobby' or so my husband has pointed out; our dog's 'hobby 'is licking his privates at any given time.

So on one particulary, enchanting, evening, full of taps and cymbals Boy Wonder has rewrote the lyrics to 'If I were a Rich Man' , he did this in honour of our dog and his 'hobby of choice'. The melody remains to 'If I Were a Rich Man' but the lyrics have been changed to 'I am Going to Lick my Privates Licky Licky Licky Lick.'

The song was....'catchy'. The song was constant. The song was sung daily; if not hourly.

Our faithful dog licking himself, gave my husband permission to sing his wee diddy. With whistles, with snaps, with tapping, this song has become a classic in our home.

'IIIIII'm going to lick my privates, licky licky licky lick. All day long, I licky licky lick, even though I am not deeeeeeeead!' would belt my husband.

Now, you can see where this is leading can't you?

One day, I am picking up Scooter from school. She is taking a long time to appear in the yard, so I am forced to rush up to her class to see what is keeping her. There are about twelve staggling kids including Scooter's teacher and a student teacher.

The children are putting their coats on and the teacher is reminding them of a last minute spelling test and it is a lucky day as they will have music class in the morning.

Scooter belts out 'Goodie,I love muuuuusic!!!! Mrs. Kirkpatrick?'

'Yes Scooter?'

And from across the room...

'My Dad loves music too. Do ya wanna hear my DAD's favourite song?'

'Oh, I'd love to' says the poor unsuspecting Mrs. Kirkpatrick as she helps a kid with a rough zipper and the student teacher stops tidying up to listen to my daughter.

May I preface, my daughter did NOT say ' it was a song, her Dad sang ABOUT her dog.'

May I add, I was not close enough to stop her.

And really, I did not have any idea of what was going to come out of her mouth...All of these 'things', BoyWonder thought I could have changed or changed the course as they unfolded.

This was her DAD's favourite song...and all her friends, and teachers were going to hear it.

And with a voice that would make Ethel Merman proud, she belts out her DAD's favourite song. ' 'IIIII 'mmmm going to Lick my privates, licky licky licky liiiiick....'

It was like a train wreck.

These poor women with their mouths wide open.

These poor women.

Heck, poor me...Me, with a husband who licks his privates.

I can feel my faceburn ... I just stood there. I could not move. I certainly could not bolt across the room and gag my daughter A totally captive audience, you could hear a pin drop. A catchy tune, a tune sung with the confidence of someone hearing it daily, if not hourly.

And after my dear Barbra Streisand finished the song, her audience of a few girls but mostly boys were numb. They looked at each other. The teacher cleared her throat and said 'Well then, that was a nice ditty.'

But the boys; the boys realized this was a gift from the gods, or at least from Scooter's dad. And almost in unison, began to sing the tune as they left the classroom, spreading the love of music, and of Scooter's Dad, for the entire school and entire neighbourhood to hear. Music class could be brought to new levels the following day.

Two years later, the song is looked upon as a 'classic'. It has been passed on to younger siblings. It is a song which will always be remembered for my daughter's grade two year.

And a song in which it solidified the legend, the true musical genius of my husband, to the boys in my neighbourhood. And sometimes there just is no living with a genius such as Boy Wonder.

And all I can hope for, is, that Boy Wonder, is a one hit wonder.

72 comments:

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

The dog song...My new favorite!

I need to learn that one...I love when Stinkfoot tells people that her dog Artie is a schmuck and a shithead...Where does she get it from?

K said...

My boy wonder is a lyricist as well, his songs usually have to do with poop. His artistic expressions have caused me much humiliation, but nothing has even come close to this. Of course, I would be horribly boring and uptight without him.

Beth said...

The making of family legend/lore...what a fabulous, funny story.

Lots of "dirty," crazy lyrics around here with three boys - but no tapping...

DebbieDoesLife said...

Each family has their own traditions. You have yours to pass down throughout the generations.

What your husband does to an innocent song mine does to dancing. Interpretive dancing. Oh, and should I add, he really does think he has rhythm and CAN dance??

jen said...

well, the upside is that must require one hell of a tongue?

chichimama said...

Oh my. I would have LOVED to see the expressions on the teacher's faces. I might just spend the evening sitting here trying to imagine them!

You are a brave soul for returning to the school after that one!

Oh, The Joys said...

I love that. Love it. I am just like your man in this regard (and it annoys my friends.) I LOVE this. Hooray.

(Of course, I WOULD.)

Blog Antagonist said...

Oh boy...I have two boys who do that. It drives me insane. But I'm happy that they have the music in them. Mostly.

Too funny about the teachers. I would have paid to see that.

Lawyer Mama said...

I nearly peed myself at the end there!

I'm the tapper in our family. It drives my husband absolutely insane. I'll have to point out to him that it could be far worse.... tee hee

chelle said...

hhehe I am so going to be humming that as I knit!

Kim Ayres said...

Record him and put it on YouTube for the rest of the world to hear - either directly with a video recorder, or tape his voice and overlay it on the video you've just shown us.

Christina_the_wench said...

Do you think this is some sort of punishment for something you did in your youth? LOL This is precious and I am sure not as funny to you as it is to us readers. ;)

Domestic Chicky said...

Dammit! Song get outta mah head!!!

Nicole said...

Aw hells bells, I think I just peed my pants.

My 12 yr old step son is a drummer. On every surface. Drives me insane. My husband is the lyric changer, although he never created such a great song as the private part licker.

Eryl Shields said...

That's tops. I'm kind of torn between cringing embarrasment and anarchic amusement. But I know I'd have died if that had happened to me.

My husband's a tapper too, drives me nuts.

Her Bad Mother said...

He'll be a multi-hit wonder. No question. No question at all.

(And? WILL NOT STOP LAUGHING about the licked privates song. TOO GOOD.)

Cheesy said...

Pend! I am CRACKING up here! What a funny funny tale of family... It reminded me of a musical story from #3 son's young days..I am going to have to work on telling that one... thanks for the memory jog!

Staci Schoff said...

Oh this cracks me up! It's a good reminder to me that I should teach the kids, "What's sung at home STAYS at home!" ;)

Lady M said...

So funny. I'm glad that I read this today, right after I awarded you a Perfect Post for your terrific karaoke-food court- dentist tale. Congratulations!

I realize now that it's an April post and the awards are for May, but that seems representative of how I'm still catching up with everything. :)

I'll send you the button for your blog if you drop me an email!

Catch said...

This story is priceless!!! I can see your face as she sang that song!!!! LOL...poor Pen. If only her Father had picked her up that day! LOL....I think your boy wonder sounds like a fun person, who appreciates seeing people laugh. He sounds like my kind of person!!

My youngest brother is 55 and I am 59....we have always loved music...and have tons of oldies cd's. If we are in the car together the cd player can never be loud enough as we sing our old songs....imagine our trip to Florida together!!! MY poor sisiterinlaw....eventually she just joined in with us! We were so happy to have a back up singer! lol

Open Grove Claudia said...

I love the play on words - Boy Wonder, one hit wonder.

Sigh, people will tell you that if all you complain about is his tapping, you are lucky. Trust me, people get divorced over less.

We have a no nose biting post-nuptual agreement. It's stuck so far, but now that we are turning over a decade....

Mandy said...

Too funny! I needed a giggle this morning, thanks!

mamatulip said...

I am laughing so hard I'm CRYING, seriously. I LOVE IT.

Rock the Cradle said...

I am CRYING woman. CRYING!
Pass that tissue over here, Mamatulip...I need it.

The Impling is looking at me like I am insane.

Hoo. boy.
Fiddler on the Roof will never be the same. Now that it's THAT kind of fiddling around.

Gina said...

Hubba-hubba does exactly the same thing, but has not yet acheived the notoriety of your husband. But, Mr. P is only four, so give him some time!

rivergirlie said...

oh dear god! i'd have paid good money to be a fly on the wall when scooter gave her rendition!
(thanks for the nomination, btw - you scamp!)

Sayre said...

My eyes are leaking!!!! My sides hurt. Oh, my God, I could have written that too! Both my "boys" are musical and some of the stuff they come up with is hilarious. Luckily, my parents think they are a scream. Sometimes I would like to.

JLee said...

hahaha...I'm not sure which is funnier, the "licky" song or the "Winnie Da Bear" song! lol
Too funny. My ex used to sing a song in the melody of The National Geographic theme song which involved a monkey flinging poop I think...HA.

Kevin Charnas said...

I'm not sure who I am more envious of?

The people who witnessed that nothing-short-of-spectacular event?

You, for being married to wickedly funny Boy Wonder?

Or the dog and his 'hobby'?

Jodi said...

oh lawd, I can totally see my kids doing something that. Did you want to come home and kick Boywonder or kiss him I wonder?

carrie said...

I think our husbands were seperated at birth.

Tapping drives me INSANE.

Especially in the car.

Carrie

Mama Drama Jenny said...

Sitting here laughing out loud...something I do not do often. We can never get our husbands together because I suspect they are the same man and I'm not terribly into polygamy.

(although for you I'm willing to make an exception.)

urban-urchin said...

This made me laugh out. I died trying to imagine you trying to explain this to Mrs. Kirpatrick. God bless her she let the girl finish her song at least.

Thanks for the laugh.

Jocelyn said...

This whole post...was...just more...than I could have hoped for.

Damn. That was good.

slouching mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
slouching mom said...

So, so, so, so, SO funny.

Oh, my. The privates song.

Ruth Dynamite said...

Classic! I just gaffawed so loud my son looked up at me, concerned.

Hysterical.

Ruth Dynamite said...

I mean guffawed. I guffawed so loudly I made a gaffe.

Christine said...

P
You asked if you were going to go insane.
The answer is YES.
Please come over to Portland, Oregon ASAP so we can have a drink to celebrate.

Mrs. Chicky said...

My husband does that, as well. I feel your pain.

allrileyedup said...

I have to admit. I think I may be singing this song myself. I love how subtly Mrs. K handled too. She had to want to burst out laughing.

BeachMama said...

I love it! Well, I feel you pain on the music taken to new levels, but I love that your daughter sang it out with pride for all her classmates and teachers to hear. For your sake I hope for a one hit wonder, but for the sake of fun maybe there could be another ;).

Damselfly said...

I really don't know whether to shed a tear for you, or shed a tear as I LMAO!

Mama en Fuego said...

Haaaahahahahaha... I do the same thing. I have totally molested the lyrics of several songs to make them, shall we say, colorful? For my own amusment mostly when singing to my daughter.

The first time I sang one in front of my mom she fell over laughing.

For example:

Instead of "Shake shake shake, shake shake shake, shake your booty, shake your booty"

it's... wait for it.....

"We're gonna check check check, check check check, check your booty, for poopie."

yeah, I'm cool like that.

strauss said...

OMG! That was the funniest thing I have read in ages. As a child, my Dad would cringe whenever he heard my utterances prefaced with "my Dad said...." Boy Wonder sounds like my Dad in that regard. I am not sure if he made up his own lyric, but he sure had some corker ditties. Unfortunately it has kind of rubbed off on Me and now I enjoy a bit of a jazz up of the lyrics myself...also my brother come to think of it. LOL.
The new song version was enjoyable enough to read, but the fact that your daughter sung it to her teacher...well, I had tears in my eyes. Classic, as always! Thanks for sharing.

Rhonda said...

Totally priceless!

I too live with a tapper, so I commiserate with you . . .

hautemama said...

I am with you on the fidgeting peeve! My hubby does the same thing..I heard it's a sign on intelligence. Hmm?

Alpha DogMa said...

Wow - so there is something more embarrassing than my children retelling the Walter the Farting Dog books? In fact perhaps this should be the next installment: Walter the Farting Dog and The Privates That Needed to be Licked.
I smell a winner.

Amber said...

Oh. My. Gosh. I spewed. SPEWED my water all over my computer monitor when I read what boy wonder did. Oh, the horror (and amusement.. :-)

Catherine said...

A blog post has NEVER made me laugh this hard EVER. NEVER, Pendullum!! I am literally crying here, woman.

Your husband might be Wonder Boy. But you are most definitely Wonder Blogger.

yerdoingitwrong said...

LMAO. Seriously!

Lisa said...

YOu made me laugh so hard, my husband just came into my office and got pissy with me. I must have woke him up. heehee.

This is a hysterical story. My son likes to make up new lyrics too. Perhaps he and your hubby can get together to rewrite some more songs at some point? :-)

Pattie said...

*LOL*
Oh. My. God.
That is so funny! The next time I see a dog indulging, I shall think fondly about this song ;-)

Mom Ma'am Me said...

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I just snorted decaf all over the laptop. HAHAHAHA!!

pinknest said...

ditty!? LOL!

Kevin Charnas said...

You're still alive, right?

kim said...

i know i know you arent posting in protest cuz i didnt do the thinking blogger tag yet!

amusing said...

And isn't it amusing to consider how often that probably happens when we aren't around and have no idea that we should maybe be mortified?

IzzyMom said...

He 'interprets' music and re writes lyrics to songs...

No song is sacred.


Are you sure you're not talking about my husband? Or perhaps his protegé, my daughter?

Hilarious :)

BV said...

That is just too much. Ha ha!

Meg said...

Wow. I didn't know that adults did that! My little sisters and I used to (and occasionally...very rarely sometimes still do) revamp songs with our own special and unique bathroom humor lyrics. Now I don't feel quite so bad knowing that there are grown men in the world who actually do this, too. Actually, maybe I should...

Caro said...

Bwahahahahah. That was a wonderful story. Ah kids and husbands too...

Kevin Charnas said...

YOU ARE IN SSOOOO MUCH TROUBLE!!! I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START!!


Please be okay...

Rock the Cradle said...

Hey Pend.

Just to say hi. I'm thinking about you. Hope you all are ok.

ablondeblogger said...

LOL! Hilarious! I can just see the look on your face now!!!

If the teacher was a man, he would've started asking, "Now just how does your daddy manage to do that?" LOL

Sayre said...

Hi, Pend - you're a "Thinking Blogger" according to me... Stop by and see what nice things I said about you on my blog!!!

Mama Drama Jenny said...

I've been singing this song for days now.

Nikki said...

I hate to say it, but I also change music lyrics.

Guilty, guilty guilty of an annoying habit....but I don't FEEL guilty. I crack myself up with it.

Pattie said...

Just stopping in to see if all is well with you....
:)

amusing said...

Hey -- I just nominated you for a Rockin' Girl Blogger award. Rock on!

kim said...

Pen I miss ya *whines* Happy 4th ... I hope youre ok :(

Scribbit said...

Now there's a tune to hum in the shower :)

You crack me up.