Tuesday, November 21, 2006



Dinner and a Show

I have these neighbours. The type of neighbours that never say hello unless you say hello first. They do not appear to know your name, that is until they find themselves stuck in a snowbank and need a push to get out of the tight spot and then your name flows like honey off of their lips. They religously attend church every Sunday. She teaches Sunday school classes. Her hair is always coifed. She is always dressed up, never in jeans and always has gum in her glum mouth which she chews as a viseral display accompanied with a scowl on her imposing face. He, has a loud booming voice that likes to use when dealing with his children. He swaggers when he walks and always has his keys in his left hand. His arms are placed a foot from his body when he walks, thereby taking up the entire sidewalk space with his being and his importance of being the master of his clan. He is on the board of directors of the church and for a first glance he is appears to be the pillar of our community.

This couple also come with replicas. They have three children who have never smiled since my husband and I moved into our home thirteen years ago. They sneer as they walk single file behind their parents. They do not walk side by side but prefer to disassociate themselves from their siblings, and parents by walking single file as they slumpinto their home. There is no outward happiness in this family. No happiness, no light.

Their house is prestine. They rake their leaves in the fall.They shovel their snow to the property line in the winter never helping out either neighbours on either side by shovelling a tad more. They mow their lawn and trim their bushes. They covet their parking spot which is directly in front of they house even though they have a garage in the back and a laneway to the side. They drive everywhere, even though we are steps from all modern conveniences.

Whenever they talk to each other,it is with loud, abrasive voices,that screech through the air and draw attention to their plight of existence. There is an annoyance in each sentence lurking in the air, when they talk with each other.There is always a loud shrill from the mother to 'Shut up!' and the Father always blusters that he 'Needs Peace!' and then he always adds his childrens' names to enlighten his congregation of five who can bring him this inner enlightenment...DAAAAAVVVIIIID!!!!!!MAAAAATTTTHHHHEHWWWW, LINNNNNNDDDDSSSAAAYYYYYY!!!!... He vociferates their names like a mantra daily.
And the kids always retort with a curse for each other with the various swear words of the day, and the obligatory rolling of their eyes as the scowl, in retort to their parents demands...

They are self sufficient.They are self reliant. And they would never help a neighbour as they have no social responsibility to our neighbourhood as they do their duty by going to church. Their pennance to society is done elsewhere.

I have labelled them... The nickname I have given this self-sufficient, self-reliant family is the Belligerent Bunch.

A few years back I had a run in with the Belligerent Bunch. I wrote them off as humans. They now only have a monikker. And are an annoyance to my relatively carefree existance.

My daughter had a sleepover and a few nights ago and Boy Wonder and I had our world as our oyster. We contemplated going out for dinner but settled on a romantic evening with a video and Indian food being delivered in.

We ordered our food and poured the wine in anticipation.

While sitting with glass of wine in hand, talking to each other, we hear a car door slam and with delicious, mouthwatering anticipation we bound to the door with money and wine in hand.

But it is not our tardy delivery boy with our dinner.

Instead it is two drunkards looking for their long lost buddy and have their sights geered toward the Belligerent Bunches' House.

They get out of their taxi and yell to each other.

They have caught our scrupulous attention.

Are you sure this is Marty'ssssssssssss plaaaaaccccccce???? as they look at the prestine house.

'YAaaaahhh, !' and with that the drunkard falls into the driver's side to pay the cabbie.

'Looks different then I remembered it?'

My husband turns off all of our houselights so we can sneekily watch the Belligerent Bunches' show.

The second drunkard becomes disoriented and turns around. He loses his friend who is but a few steps away in the cab. But remembers that he needs to pee, so he walks a few steps, loses his balance, stabilizes himself on the Beligerent Bunches' car on the passenger side. His back it to the cab his let hand is on the car the other hand is fumbling with his trousers. Drunkard Two relieves himself on the passenger side door.(according to my Dad and all his cop friends, this action while it may seem offensive it is not an offence in the eyes of the law, as long as it is on the passenger side....Go Figure!)

Drunkard One is now out of the cab after paying. He can not see Drunkard Two as he is leaning on the car as he urinates. So Drunkard One thinks that his 'buddy' has already gone into the house and is reunited with Marty. He swaggers up the stairs to The Belligerent Bunches' house throwing himself to the top stair and balancing on the doorbell with a mighty push.

Not satisfied with the doorbell, Drunkard now flings open the screen door and uses the prestine, virginal, brass knocker with reckless abandon.
My husband and I snicker in anticipation.
BANG!BANG!BANG!

MARRRRRTTTTTYYYYYY!!!!!!

Belligerent Bunches' Dad turns on the light. He looks through the curtain but does not open the door.
Belligerent Bunches' Dad turns off the light.

Coooooome oooonnnn Jooohhhhhnnnn!oooooppppppennnnnn uuuuuppppppp!

'Dere is no John Here' bellows Mr. Belligerent.

'Yessss, dere isssss!"Coooooooommmmmme onnnn he jussssssst went innnnnn...Drunkard One insists.

'Dere is no John here sir, Leave my porch! You Sir, You Do NOT LIVE HERE!' blares Mr. Belligerent.

Now, our drunkard who is still peeing the rest of the 24 on the car and is looking for his friend. He can not find where the voice is coming from. Talking about Blind Drunk! Drunkard Two since he can not find his friend, and opts to leave. He swaggers down the street using each car and friendsly hedge along the way for support.

But Drunkard Buddy Number One does not see this. He thinks his buddy definitely is pulling a fast one on him and is inside the Belligerent Bunches' House.

'Coooommmme AAAWWWWNNNNN...'

Through his powers of drunken observation, Drunkard One concludes that his friend must have gone into the house the back way. He turns around and looks at the stairs. Swaggers, sways, stumbles, while he thinks of how to get down from the porch . He sums up that he can not negotiate the stairs and opts to throw himself off the front porch and lands in the bushes. He slowly pulls himself up, brushes off the offending shubbery off of his hair and jacket and heads towards the back yard in search for John.
Joaaaahhhhhnnnnn... Joaaaaaaahhhhnnnn!!!!!!!!! Come on buddy! where are yaaaa???? said Drunkard One 'Lemme in...'
And with that Drunkard One starts to sing 'Ode to Nova Scotia' at the top of his lungs and with the pride of a time-tested and true, maritimer.
I guess the Ode to Nova Scotia opens doors in someplaces but not with the Belligerent Bunch that is for certain.

I do not know if it was the song, the peeing on the car, the destruction of the bush or the insistance that' Joaaaaahhhnnnn was in da' house..' But the police arrive.

The police pull up. And one of the cops bounds out of the car and addresses all the darkened houses with eyes peering out of darkened windows. (Glad we are not alone.)The policeman gets out of the car stands in front of his car with the lights still ablaze causing his figure to seem like a vaudville performer. He does a circles and turns to all of the houses while points to his wristwatch for affect. In great thespian style announces to all the darkened houses with eyes peering 'Pretty Good, eh? Six minutes people... Six minutes... Your tax payers dollars... Six minutes'

And with that he goes to get Buddy in the backyard.

Another police car arrives a minute later with the Drunkard Two slumped in the back of the cruiser. A cop who is four foot five tall gets out of this cruiser and is hysterical with rage. His voice is high pitched and shreiking 'I trusted you guys, I put you in a cab and I pick you up again?????'
And then the first drunkard who is being brought to the front by the great thesbian cop says. 'Never trust a drunk man listening to a leprechuan.'

and with that all the other cops laugh.

and then I can see my delivery guy heading up my stairs.

And all the cops stop their conversation of 'what to do with the dynamic duo' and have diverted their attention to my delivery guy walking up to my darkened house. I sheepishly answer the door and pay the guy. And slink back into my house.

I know it was childish. I know that it was such a 'bad form' neighbour moment. But my husband and I howled. We could not stop laughing. Maybe we should get out more???
For days we have gone around saying in a deep, booming,articulated, voice 'You sir, You sir,,,,, you do not live here!'

And I do not think I will ever hear the Ode to Nova Scotia without thinking of that night.

And when I think of the Belligerent Bunch I now think to myself....

Sometimes,misery does deserve company!

55 comments:

Sarah said...

That's a hilarious story. I love it.

I would have been watching too. :)

mad muthas said...

ha - i bet your take-away tasted verrrrry good after the cabaret.

Janet a.k.a. "Wonder Mom" said...

Excellent...They deserved it.

Sayre said...

Wonder what the delivery boy thought?

Very funny!!! Wish that would happen to my neighbors - unfortunately, they ARE Drunkard One and Drunkard Two...

Stepping Over the Junk said...

I can't stop laughing!! Especially since you were obviously sitting inthe dark to watch the show and then you had to open the door for the delivery guy! Oh my gosh! What a great event! Who need Tivo?

Catch said...

I chuckled all thought this post! I would have watched too! No movie could be any better!!! Maybe your neighbors suffer from constipation...sounds like they are "full" of themselves!!!

chelle said...

Ode to Nova Scotia ... what is up with those songs always making it to the drunken fools mouths?!!??!

My husband and I would have done the same thing! hehe Innocent next door drama is great to watch!

Domestic Slackstress said...

I fear I'm one of those neighbors who doesn't say hi to one neighbor in particular. That neighbor just happens to live an a shady apt. complex next door to my house. Someone was shot in his apt. two weeks ago and lots of ick characters hang out outside his pad. I guess that's a diff. situation. I'm probably far too friendly and open with the rest of my non-gang neighbors. It's good to be selective when it comes to safety and "stranger danger."

Moobs said...

I wonder what it would do to BB's head to know that thhousands of miles away, down by the Thames someone is laughing at him

Kim Ayres said...

Sweet :)

Christina_the_wench said...

I would have been the neighbor out there telling the two drunks, "Well sure, Marty lives here. Just go on up to the door and get his ass out here! He'd love to see you guys."

Then I'd set up the video camera.

Oh, The Joys said...

Happily, all of our neighbors are friendly and helpful. Phew!

Mrs. Chicky said...

Great story! I would have watched from darkened windows, too. And I would have giggled like a schoolgirl the entire time.

JLee said...

"The Belligerent Bunch" hahaha
I would call that poetic justice..

Andie D. said...

Dinner AND a show? Fantastic!

I too am lucky that the majority of my neighbors are pretty cool. And the ones who keep to themselves are nice and quiet. One on either side of me. Ahhhhh.

crazymumma said...

Honey...isn't that like me when I leave your place after one of your debauched evening? Hilarious story, you have to point them out to me sometime!

Her Bad Mother said...

Fantastic story, totally fantastic. You did well, lady - you earned your laugh.

Jodi said...

Yes, you did earn your laugh! The bunch next door sounds postively horrid. Great story, as always. * satisfied sigh* When are you writing a book anyway?

chicaloungin said...

AWWWWGGH. Has anyone done the Horrible Neighbor Anthology yet? The tales, the tales... those poor robot children. One will grow up to write a great novel like The Corrections or act in a heartwarming film like Mommy, Dearest.

I could totally see your guy's (guyziz)(English?) eyeballs in the dark window.

Gorgeous!

Lisa said...

That is the best story... We have a bunch like there here. Actually they have no problem asking for favors but neglect to say "thanks" and yes, there's NO FREAKING WAY they will do something nice for another person. And they are big church-goers too!

Aren't you so happy you don't have to live with them? Gah.

Lisa said...

That is the best story... We have a bunch like there here. Actually they have no problem asking for favors but neglect to say "thanks" and yes, there's NO FREAKING WAY they will do something nice for another person. And they are big church-goers too!

Aren't you so happy you don't have to live with them? Gah.

Wendy Boucher said...

Great story about a sad little family. Yikes. I can't imagine such a solemn life.

Kevin Charnas said...

that was lovely...simply lovely. And I now have a crush on those two drunkards and the thespian cop pointing to his watch.

the waste-of-skin neighbor? I fart in his general direction...but the other three? Crushes, I tell you...and you of course...I still have my crush on you.

mama_tulip said...

I love it!!

I would have watched too. In fact, I might have even videotaped. ;)

Lawyer Mama said...

Hilarious! I love it! I have neighbors like that but we haven't been lucky enough to have such a fun show!

Grim Reality Girl said...

Loved this story! You brought back memories of gawker nights! Hubby and I have dimmed the lights to watch the show outside the house many times in the past -- I am glad we are not alone! Our neighbors are tame now, but oh the memories!

Ruth Dynamite said...

Love this! Nothing like hiding inside watching the drama unfold.

sunshine scribe said...

You are the very best story teller ever. And they did deserve it!

DebbieDoesLife said...

Dinner and a show! That's what I call it!!

Panda said...

Oh I love the neighbourhood freakshows, I really do. Sadly we dont have any here since the drunkards left from next door.

I'm starting to get a sense about these church-going pillar-of-the-community types...

Awesome Mom said...

That is so funny! My neighbors have never been quite that amusing or interesting.

The Happy Housewife said...

Loving it! The Belligerent Bunch have relatives all over the world. Some of them live near us, and I would pay good money to have had a floor-show like that. What a great way to spend your night of freedom - free caberet! Hope the curry was good.

Marcie said...

Sounds like a good christian family.
I would of done the exact same thing as you. We have a miserable neighbor too. I hope something like this happens to him soon.

Attila The Mom said...

Hahahaha! Brilliant! Was it better than the movie? ;-)

Andrea said...

That's totally funny. Karma sometimes gets it right.

Andrea
http://littlebalddoctors.wordpress.com

Lynilu said...

I don't know how I missed this before now, but it is WONDERFUL!!! Can I come stay at your house occasionally???

Michael Tyas said...

Oh, the sweet revenge of drunk belligerents!

carrie said...

I'm pretty sure the Beligerent Bunch had it coming!! And you know, I would've done the exact same thing!

I love neighbors!

Carrie

Amber said...

Hey, thanks for visiting my site! I've had a grand time visiting yours and what an entry. And agreed: they deserved it!

Virtualsprite said...

That is a great story. Makes me jealous that I don't have neighbors...

Mommy off the Record said...

Love this story! Next time, have your video camera handy so you can show us the footage!

Pattie said...

Hey, with neighbors like that to provide free entertainment, I think you should stay home more often.
:)

PS I TOTALLY would have watched, too.

Gina said...

Great story!

Crappy neighbors suck.

Lamont said...

Our idea of perfection is so easily marred. I'm thankful that there are more unraked yards in my neighborhood.

PS> I just made Indian food this weekend.
Tara

Rock the Cradle said...

SO funny...

JUST what I needed to read.

Now I have to find an MP3 of Ode to Nova Scotia.

Kristin said...

I'm with Christina the Wench... Sure folks, come round to the back and go in through the slider...

IzzyMom said...

Your sourpuss neighbors sound awful! And if you ask me, spying on them secretly is a lot more mannerly than outrightly watching the whole scene unfold. It wasn't childish at all!

Thanks for a chuckle. A well-told story!

hautemama said...

I love it! Sounds like a good movie.

strauss said...

I loved that story. Been there done the lights off looking myself - I live next to a public park.I loved your description of the BB's - they sound odious ha ha.

Catherine said...

These are my favorite kinds of stories! The kind where unseemly things happen to such seemly people.

And don't be so hard on yourself. How could anyone NOT have spied on such great entertainment. :)

shpprgrl said...

WOW! They sound almost worse than my crazy neighbors. That is until my crazy neighbors do something crazy....again. Thanks for sharing their craziness!!

*shopper*

pinknest said...

lol!! i must use this phrase now as well. i love it.

kim said...

i know i left a perfectly funny comment here when you first posted this ... blogger has it in for me !

and yes i always come back and reread what youve posted and all the comments too lol

Babaloo said...

Another hilariously wonderful addition to my "Pendullum" collection of stories! Thank you.

heartinsanfrancisco said...

Great story! I was hoping that the two drunkards actually were long-lost relatives of the Belligerants, their stinking, pissing, reeling feet of clay.

And what a merry cop. This was a better sit-com than most sit-coms, even if it WAS shot from behind a curtain. :)